I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went into a shop and said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?” The bloke said, “Kenwood?” I said, “Where is he?”
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was ‘n turtle disaster.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
I visited the offices of the SPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest to the bull goes first.” He went “baah” and I went “moo”. He said “You’re closest.”
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
I went to a petshop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
I was reading this book today, the History of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
I told my boyfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. He said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue?” I said, “No, just a watch.”
I told my mother that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well, I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”