Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure, you look great, the world is your oyster, go for it!”
I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, “Who’s speaking, please?” And a voice said, “You are.”
I went to the doc. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having the same dream, night after night, sexy guys rushing towards me, and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said, “Break my arms!”
We were coming in to land, and it affects the ears, doesn’t it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.
This little old lady next to me was frightened. She looked at me, and said, “Do something religious.” So I took up a collection.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my shoes of and let down my hair.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says, “Would you please blow into this bag, Madam?” I said, “What for Officer?” He says, “My chips are too hot.”
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says, “I’d like to follow you to the nearest Police Station.” I said, “What for?” He said, “I’ve forgotton the way.”
I’ve always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman’s lunch. He was livid.
I got home from work and my husband said, “I’m sorry lovey, but the dog’s eaten your dinner.” I said, “Don’t worry, we’ll get you a new dog.”
So I said to the taxi driver, “King Authur’s Close.” He said, “Don’t worry, we’ll lose him at the next set of lights.”
A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says, “I want five pounds of potatoes, please?” And the greengrocer says, “We only sell kilo’s.” So the man says, “Allright then, I’ll five pounds of kilo’s.”
I went to Margate on holiday and knoked at the first boarding house that I came to. A woman stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said, “What do you want?” I said, “I’d like to stay here.” She said, “OK, stay there.”
I said to the waiter, “This chicken I’ve got is cold.” He said, “I should think so. It’s been dead for two weeks.” I said, “Not only that, it’s got one leg shorter than the other.” He said, “What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green, green grass of home.” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”
A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
Apparantly, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said, “Parking fine.” So that was nice.
Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start!”
Now, most dentist’s chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forth. I thought this was unusual. Then the denstist said to me, “Mam, please get out of the filing cabinet.”
So I rang up my local swimming pool. I said, “Is that the local swimming pool?” He said, “It depends – where are you calling from?”