Internet Affairs?

April 17, 2009 · Geliasseer in Ek Wonder, Ernstig, Liefde, Snaaks, Sommer net, Vir 'n goeie doel

Definition Affair: A romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship that may not last long that is between two people who are not married to one another.

Definition Adultery: Sexual intercourse between a married person and a third party.

Definition Cheat: be sexually unfaithful to one’s partner in marriage; “She cheats on her husband”; “Might her husband be wandering?”

Ons het dit al almal ervaar op blogs of chatrooms – jy ontmoet hierdie mens, en julle kliek sommer net. Net so. Daar is iets wat julle na mekaar aantrek,  en julle gesels ‘n hond uit ‘n bos uit. Oor alles voel julle so amper dieselfde, of kan ten minste verskil sonder om demoerin te raak vir mekaar.  Julle kan joke, verstaan mekaar se humorsin, en dis flippen lekker! Hoe langer julle saam kuier, hoe meer besef julle hoeveel julle eintlik in gemeen het. Kort voor lank ruil julle e-mail adresse en begin privaat gesels. En dis lekker om ‘n vreemdeling te kry by wie jy sommer net jouself kan wees. Niks maskers nie. Ek meen, julle ken mekaar mos nie rerig nie.

En dan begin julle uitpak teenoor mekaar oor meer persoonlike issues. Dis blerrie nice om ‘n klankbord te hê wat jou nie oordeel nie, maar eerder probeer raad gee. Is mos? Dis amper soos free therapy. Ja, julle almal weet wat ek bedoel. Veral die girls van die Sisterhood… 😉

Ek wonder al vir ‘n wyle hieroor: wat presies is ‘n Internet Affair? Kan mens iemand verneuk met woorde? Kan mens regtig iemand verlei met woorde? Kan mens seks hê met woorde? Want nêrens is daar enige kontak nie – no touching, no body language, geen skelm kykies… net woorde… OK, miskien nie net woorde nie – foto’s, webcam sessies… dit maak dit miskien meer “real”?

Woorde is baie magtig, dit weet ek. Woorde kan seermaak, en woorde kan heelmaak.  Woorde kan terg, en woorde kan speel. Maar wanneer word dit ‘n affair? Waar lê die lyn tussen prettig en rerig? Is flirt OK? Word dit ‘n affair sodra jy privaat met iemand van die teenoorgestelde geslag begin “gesels”? Wat van chatrooms en blogs – kan affairs openlik daar ontstaan of bestaan?

Ek wou nie rerig online navorsing gaan doen hieroor nie, ek wil juis eerder hoor wat julle opinie is.

Maar ek moes tog so bietjie gaan rondkrap, en volgens hierdie site, is dit die tekens van ‘n internet affair:

1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line. Who doesn’t use a computer today?   They are excellent for paying bills, staying in touch with family, friends, customers, finding street locations, and a host of other productive endeavors.  We can not live without them and shudder when a lighting storm threaten our usage.  Just look at kids and their instant messaging.  They will go without dinner just to keep in touch with their circle of friends.  Try to pull them away, it’s no easy task.  Does your spouse resemble your kid’s magnetism to the computer?  Discover why this need is so powerful before it’s too late.
2. Passwords, instant message “buddy lists”, internet email accounts and emails are concealed – even protected from you! Do you find your spouse needing his “own space” at the computer?  Is there a real reluctance when you ask to know his passwords?  What’s there to hide?  These questions all have obvious answers.  The act of hiding information is deceptive by nature.  Of course, those of us who have worked in “Corporate America” understand the need to protect company secrets.  But what legitimate “family secret” are we hiding?  Listen, any time a spouse becomes secretive with you, it fulfills a direct need they demonstrate.  Why?  You are like the judge, referee, or source of authority creating that “sense of accountability” over them.  Furthermore, they are breaking matrimonial law if committing adultery.  There is, in many courts, a price to pay!
3. Computer use after you have gone to bed, when you fall asleep or in the middle of the night. Have you been awaken by the absence of your spouse at night and found him at the computer?  If this behavior becomes a pattern you certainly need to be concerned.  While work demands a sense of commitment and loyalty, working late repeatedly after you have fallen asleep is a little odd.
4. Your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach. This is panic and unexplainable behavior.  The rationalization is “when all other contingency plans fail, just shut that thing off and don’t get caught.”  This foolish act is also called a “computer crash” and has the potential of damaging both hardware and software.  The loss of files occurs when a computer is cut off abruptly.  Many spouses have reported this behavior just prior to hiring us.  We consider it a significant indicator of a deviant behavior.  Now, bear in mind your spouse may be viewing pornography and fear reprisal.  This may explain the need for panic.
5. The computer and monitor are always positioned away from your sight. The study of body language has become useful to many investigators, especially those of us who administer lie detection examinations.  An obvious sign of deception and a common mistake the cheater make is blocking your view.  They need the time to clear a screen, turn off the monitor, or change to another internet page when threatened with exposure.  Intentionally turning the monitor or laptop away from view is an indicator they don’t want you to see something.  Over time this act develops into a habit and confers greater freedom from detection.  In most instances, having the lead time to hide the truth from you is all they need.
6. Clears all internet history after chat sessions, usage or installs software to automatically rid this information. There are times when a computer becomes filled with unwanted files.  Computers run faster when less “temporary” files use up valuable “ram memory.”  This is prudent maintenance for any computer user.  What I am referring to in this sign is the repeated habit of purposefully clearing information from discovery.  While this information is retrievable through the science of Computer Forensics, you won’t find it readily available.  On the market now is software that actually helps the cheater.  The actual purpose of this new software tool is to hide any trace of computer internet usage.  Do you find this a little suspicious?  I do.
7. Exhibits a compulsive need to be online and seems defensive when confronted to stop. “When are you coming to bed?”  “We really need to go, now, what’s taking so long?”  “Can’t you do that later?”  Have you asked these types of questions?  Teenagers often become “obsessed” with instant messaging.  If you have kids who use the computer, you know.  They have trouble walking away from the PC.  This same desire or need displayed by your spouse is cause for alarm.  A compulsive, defensive pattern of behavior shows a strong need to continue.  You need to know why.
8. Shares personal information, photos or events with strangers in emails, chat-rooms or while instant messaging.  Setting up a profile for instant messaging is commonplace.  Kids love to fill them up and share with friends on the buddy list.  I’ve witnessed spouses who send nude pictures of themselves over the internet.  They share very personal information that should be reserved to the marital home.  Maybe it’s time to with software that collects this data.  Today more courts are allowing emails and computer usage data as evidence.  It’s advisable to consult an attorney in your state beforehand!
9. Plays online games and frequents “personals” chat-rooms. This is where it starts. Play a few games, win or lose, but then we need to chat. Well if chatting is fine, why not include your spouse? You can’t, so why do it?

En asof dit nie genoeg is nie – hier is nog…

1. How much time do you spend online? If you spend more than three hours a week chatting with and exchanging personal information with a member of the opposite sex you are having an online affair.
   
2. Do you look forward to spending time with your online “friend?” When you are not online are you preoccupied with thoughts of your online friend? Do you think about them often and look forward to the next time you will be able to chat with them? 
3. Is your online friend a secret? Have you shared the fact that you have an online friend with your spouse? Do you keep it to yourself because you know your spouse would react negatively? Maybe you don’t tell because the idea of having a friend your spouse doesn’t know about is exciting to you.
   
4. Do you share relationship issues with your online friend? Is he/she someone you feel comfortable sharing marital problems? You tell him/her more about what you want out of life, what your disappointments are and feel they are more understanding than your spouse.
5. Is your online friend a better listener than your spouse? When you share person details and problems, does your online friend always respond in the way you need? Do you find yourself wishing your spouse cared as much as your online friend seems to?
6. Are you beginning to recent your spouse? Are you making comparisons between your online friend and your spouse? Are you finding that you feel more anger than usual toward your spouse? Becoming less tolerant of a spouse, feeling anger and resentment and withdrawing emotionally is one of the most harmful aspects of any type of affair.
7. Do you have less interest in sex with your spouse? To begin with, you may fantasize about your online friend during sex with your spouse. Then you may lose all sexual interest in your spouse and replace it with sexual fantasies and longings for your online friend. Before you know it you are thinking of ways to meet your online friend in person.
8. Do you exchange photos with your online friend? Have you sent your online friend a photo of yourself? Have the two of you sent each other erotic and sexually suggestive photos of yourself? If not, has the thought crossed your mind?
9. Have you suggested a “real life” meeting with your online friend? Meeting for lunch or coffee will soon become a topic of discussion. Online affairs almost always lead to a desire to meet each other in real life. That is when something you think is harmless becomes destructive. Don’t be fooled by the denial and rationalizations you have made about your online friend. Keeping it online may be something you can live with. It may, in your mind be OK since the two of you are not having sex. Whatever you are telling yourself about it, it will eventually turn into more than you went looking for in the first place.

Tips:

1. Get rid of your denial. Be honest with yourself and what you are doing. Being honest about your behavior is the only way to determine if what you are doing is worth the pain it will cause your spouse and family.
2. If you decide to end the online affair expect to be emotionally uncomfortable. You’ve formed a bond with another human being. Breaking that bond is going to take will-power.
3. Spend less time online and more time doing things that will impact your life positively. Exchange your negative behavior for one that will enrich your marriage and family.
4. If you find it impossible to break off the affair get help. You don’t have to do it alone. See a therapist or talk to trusted friend. Share what you are going through with someone willing to help you handle the negative emotions you are feeling.

Terwyl ek dit so deurgelees het, het ek amper in my koffie gestik, onbedaarlik aan die giggel gegaan, ongelowig na die screen gestaar, wtf ‘n paar keer vir myself gevra, weer gelees – en uiteindelik met ‘n skok besef: fokkit! 😯  Apparently het ek ‘n hele paar internet affairs aan die gang – met my blogmaats!   😆  Wippie, het jy nog nie pille gekry vir ons vir hierdie verslawing nie?

OK, ek weet ek probeer nou ligsinnig wees oor ‘n onderwerp wat eintlik ernstig is. Maar gee bietjie vir my julle gedagtes hieroor? Ken jy iemand wat ‘n internet affair het? Het jy dalk een aan die gang?

Die belangrikste ding wat ek wil weet, is dit: wanneer, in jou opinie, word dit regtig ‘n Internet Affair?

NS. Jy kan maar heeltemal anoniem ook antwoord. (Sonder ‘n e-mail adres)